Two Hours of My Life that I Will Never Get Back

I just spent two hours in the Social Security office. In a small, Tennessee town. First, the positive things: There was plenty of parking. Yes! I thought. I timed it right! In Florida, no cars in the parking lot would have automatically meant a short wait time, or that an armed gunman had been there earlier and cleared out the place. Neither scenario was true here. The empty parking lot was a deception, because there were five people waiting. Did they walk? Did someone drop them off?  Had they been there so long that their vehicles had been towed away? I didn't actually think any of that at the time. What I did think was, Yes! I timed it right! Only five people ahead of me! I thought I would be back at work in less than an hour. After all, there were four people working. Five if you count the security guard.

He definitely goes on my list of positive things. He was at least 80 years old. But he was very, um, dapper. Nice haircut, sexy 'stache, and even for an old guy he looked good in a uniform. He looked like the Dos Equis man. Again, I didn't think any of that at first. Except the "at least 80" part. That I did think the moment I entered the lobby. But then, he started flirting with me, and for some reason that made him very attractive. I know, how pathetic of me, but you should have heard him. I don't know if I can convey this effectively in writing, but when I opened the door to the lobby, he said, in this astonished slash impressed tone, "Well, hellOOoo..." like Jennifer Lopez had just walked in. I practically giggled. He kept talking in that tone. You had to have heard it, seriously. I thought he would say, "Stay thirsty, my friends" any second. He helped me know what buttons to push on the touch screen, explained the procedure and told me where to sit, all the time speaking in that TONE. I thought, "Papi must like big girls," as I took my seat.

All was going well so far. I was told by George Takei from a poster on the wall and a little instructional video on eternal loop, that this was going to be easy. George was in his Star Trek Original Series mustard yellow shirt, so he couldn't be lying. (Did you know that Sulu is the spokesperson for the Social Security Administration? Neither did I) Anyway, my back was to the door when it opened a few minutes later. My new boyfriend, The Dos Equis Man/ Lobby Bobby greeted the newcomers. (Hey. Lobby Bobby. I just made that up. Get it? Bobby. Like English police officer. But in the lobby. That's trademarked now. Don't try to steal it.) Anyway, he said, with even more amazed excitement, to whoever was coming in, "Well, hellOOOooo..."  That was the moment I gave up hope of ever being anything but an idiot. Sulu was right. That was easy.